CS and I take lots of pictures of Sun.  In the age of digital film, we are all amateur photographers with no costs of development to worry about.  At year end, we pick our favorite pictures and print them for a photo album we have for Sun.  In looking at that photo album tonight, I am humbled by how fast she is becoming a child and leaving babyhood and toddlerhood behind.

The thing about photographs is that you take the pictures of the smiles and the first good things: petting a goat, seeing snow, flying in a plane, eating Bud’s Broiler, holidays, and relatives.  You tend not to get the meltdowns, the disappointments: cranky, nappus interruptus Sun, fights over toys, spilled milk, busted chins, and laser treatments.

And so in looking back over the past year, one would think it has been all smiles and that it should have been all enjoyment.  And it just wasn’t.  Mainly, it was exhausting.  I am just tired all of the time.  I am not complaining.  It isn’t Sun that makes me tired.  But it is Sun that makes me realize that my tiredness is a deficit.  I feel regret in not doing more, not being more full of life and not basking in her seemingly endless smiles more.

But overall I just feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  It’s been over a year now that I have felt I finally got all I ever wanted and I still want for nothing more than the maintenance of the status quo.

(P.S. My grandfather is doing quite well–the clots have been cleared and he’s moving out of ICU tonight.  Once his blood thinner medication is where they want it in his system, he will be sent home.  Thank you all for your kind words of support and concern.  They were very much appreciated. –Nola)

I got a call today from my aunt.  My grandfather is in the ER with a blood clot.  They are testing to see whether he can be treated with medicine or will need surgery.  There is fear he will lose his leg.

Not to be morbid, but this reminds me just too closely of my grandmother’s (his wife’s) demise.  My grandmother was weak and starting to have memory problems.  We were prepared for her death.

But Bootsie?  I can’t imagine a world, my world, without him.  And I don’t want to.  But he just turned 89 and simply isn’t going to live forever.  And if he loses that leg, we all know that will be the begining to a very quick end.

I brought Sun to SoMo’s today and went into the office to work.  But now there is nothing I can concentrate on but him.  So I will pick up my knitting and head to the hospital.

I’ll be damned if these red socks end up reminding me of my grandfather’s death.

The marathon week has begun.  Final gifts purchased; that last trip to the mall to get a pic with Santa; procurement of groceries…  We still have so much to do!  The in-laws arrive on Tuesday for a period unknown (I have odds they will leave Saturday).  Cleaning, decorating, gingerbread houses to build; pecans to penuche!

But today, today. Ah.  Today, I finally acquired that last piece of art.  From now on, I am told I will need to give something up if I want to buy something new.  Seems harsh.  But.  We have a LOT of art.  Lots of it is arranged on the wall in a “clutter.”  But we are close to looking cluttered.  So, no new pieces.  We are DONE.  I was allowed to fill the one last blank wall however I chose.  I chose this. It is about three feet wide and two feet high.  And FABULOUS if I do say so myself!

We then got Sun’s Fearful Santa pic (every child has at least one), and I did yet another batch of Penuche Pecans.  I am finally getting the hang of candy making!  And we met with friends and swapped gifts.  And played.

Tonight, CS hung the outside lights and will de-clutter his office.  And I will (continue to) make two pillows for the sofa.  And there WILL be Christmas movies playing in the background.

Christmas 2008, IT IS ON.

Update: I failed to mention that the artist for my lovely new piece is RK Rowell, and you can view and buy his work at his website by clicking here.

Tonight we procured a Christmas tree.  I could stop there, right?

But it was the first time Sun was aware a bit of what was going on.  We started at Home Depot.  Hey, folks in NOLA, SKIP HOME DEPOT for Christmas trees.  Their selection (like, 10 trees, bound so you can’t see them!) SUCKS!  We quickly moved to one of those magical places that appears around Thanksgiving–white tents and lights.  We stepped into the lot and heard Christmas carols!  Sun walked immediately to a small kid-sized tree.  There were at least five different TYPES of trees to choose from.  Then Salesman No.1 approached us and asked what he could do for us. I about died.  Home Depot? You sort of help yourself.

So, we found a tree.  The perfect tree.  And Salesman No. 2 saw Sun and said to her, “You need a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  Do you want a pink one, a blue one or a red one?”  With my jaw dropped, I said meekly, “Pink.”

As we were waiting for our tree to be bundled, we took Sun to see the flocked trees.  And there we spied Salesman No. 2 cutting a branch from one of their pink flocked trees!!   We returned to Salesman No. 1 and our tree and soon were presented with this:

We got home and decorated the tree.  Yes, there were Christmas carols and (leftover) homemade egg nog.  It was perfect.

And not surprisingly, Sun was not ready for bed even two hours past her normal bedtime.  But that worked out, too.  Because we are certain she’d have been awakened by Lucy’s incessant barking at this nighttime visitor had she gone to bed:

See how still he is? He’s playing ‘possom. But we were totally on to him. We brought Lucy in for the night to save her sanity!

All in all, a pretty amazing night, I say!

We have all done things that we realize (maybe immediately, maybe with the benefit of time) was a critical error.  Things we would give anything to be given a do-over.  When these errors are in our professional life, they can be devastating.  We have all made mistakes, me included.  Plural. Mistakes.  Some big, some bigger.

I recall the first time I made a big mistake at my current job.  I just KNEW I was screwed.  Shaking with the discovery of my error, I could hardly see clearly.  I debated telling my superior or just, yanno, winging it and hoping it’d go away.  Knowing doing nothing could only make it worse, I fessed up.  And my sage superior didn’t bat an eye.  He advised me that we ALL make mistakes.  Then he asked if I’d researched whether there was a way out of my mess. Wha-wha-what?  I expected to be reprimanded, at least to be admonished.  Instead I was given understanding and advise on how to handle a mistake.  Was an out even possible?  It honestly had not occurred to me.  I was so freaked over my blunder that seeking a fix didn’t even cross my mind.

I did the recommended research and found that miraculous out.  The cost to me? Unbilled time and a mea culpa to a very understanding party.  In the end, no harm was done to anyone (other than my nerves).  And a VERY strong lesson learned by me, in addition to me being very appreciative to the mentors guiding me.

There have been other errors made here and there.  But the thing is.

A friend of mine was recently involved in a situation in which my friend made a mistake.  It was a negligent act and not intentional.  But this mistake has been made public.  I cringe for my friend knowing how I felt just letting one other person know about my big mistake and imagining what hell it’d be for that news to be public.  For people to judge.  Because we do.  Judge.  We do say, “Oh, what a fool!  How’d they let that happen?”  How quickly we dismiss our own errors and assess blame to others.

It’s like driving past an accident:  you don’t want to look, but you DO.  You DO want to see a severed arm.  We secretly hope that in spotting that severed arm, we will think, “Whew, that could have been me! Aren’t I lucky?”  And then we will feel better about ourselves, drive on and forget about the accident.  But really?  Have you ever seen a severed arm at an accident?  Because my hunch is that you wouldn’t feel lucky at all for having seen it.  That you’d instead just feel perverse and give anything to have a do-over to drive on without having looked.

As an attorney who has been practicing for over a decade now (egads!), I have finally learned to allow the ebbs and flows to, well, ebb and flow.  I have (mostly) managed to stop worrying when work is light and to use that ebb-time to more enjoy my personal life, knowing that a flow will come through that will take me away from my family.

What I have struggled more recently with is seeing the fruition of my hard efforts.  Be it a budding practice area that I have been working hard to break into or a resounding confidence in my motherhood, I tend to knock on wood and not be too hopeful about the future.  I am a realist that plans for a sort of worst case scenario.  If I plan for the worst, anything short of that is a blessing.  And that has worked well for me, overall. Except it is not always a positive way to see the world.

In the last couple of weeks, something I have been working on for several years now is showing legitimate seedlings.  And, yes, I am knocking on wood like crazy.  I still won’t believe it until … I am not sure when I’ll believe it!  But I do believe the worst of the ebb-times are behind me.  And that is something I have NEVER felt before.

Our German shephard, Zella, died earlier this year.  Zella did NOT like being inside.  She was a perimeter dog and felt caged in when indoors.  Our blue heeler, on the other hand, LOVES being inside.  But bringing Lucy in and leaving Zella out just upset Zella–she would then be miserable alone outside or with Lucy inside.  So Lucy stayed outside too.

Now that Zella is gone, we are acclimating Lucy (and ourselves) to having her being an indoor dog.  We are letting her inside when we are home so that she can learn her limits–which toys are hers and which are NOT; which food is hers and which is the (poor) cat’s; which rooms she cannot go in (the one with carpet).  We haven’t been brave enough to leave her inside to have the run of the place without us yet.

Just having her in and getting past that excited-to-have-inside-attention phase has been delightful.  She is such a happy dog, and she adds such a deeper layer to our family.  I am glad we are all enjoying each other.

Oh, holidays, how you exhaust me.  I can’t really even blame the holiday season.  The end of year is usually a bit busier for me at the office, and this year is no exception.  And with it getting dark so early, I am finding myself very tired as soon as I walk in the door at night.

And with all that is going on, I have temporarily lost my blogging muse.  But fear not! Family is coming, and that is certain to spark emotions!

For my fellow bloggers, bear with me.  I am getting caught up with your blogs, and just too tired to leave a lot of comments.  But I DO care and love reading you all even when I do so as a lurker.

More of a more interesting variety soon, promise.

Stayed in Denver today and did not make it to Boulder.  But it’s all good.  Spent the evening without kids. Good food, good company, good cards. Oh, and SNOW!!!!

Tomorrow, massages.

Ahhhhhh.

Having a wonderful, relaxing, enoyable, chilly time in Denver with my friends and their almost-three year old daughter.  We are all exhausted from the travel, the slight time change, the all-day noshing, some imbibing… the things that make up a good vacation.  And a good life.  There is ever so much for which I am grateful.

Tomorrow, Boulder! Then a childless dinner in a restaurant that is NOT child friendly.

Wish you were here!